Don’t Break up, Work it Out Together; The Sexual Frustration Palaver.

And the wife outburst began with rage. What happened? Where do you think you are going? Why are you like this? I don’t seem to understand you anymore. Am not asking you for marathon, but even at this short span, you sure can still make it worth our while by touching the erogenous spots. And the husband responded: What’s that? Eroge what? Look at you hypocrite; I have been touching and caressing you for God knows when; you refused to respond. I don’t know for how long am going to keep up with your low libido and sometimes outright asexual.

Only God knows what has extinguished the sex spark of our early marriage life from you. I still remember with nostalgia those commendations I got from you some few years down the line, before the kids started coming, when you welcome my advances with excitement anywhere inside the house even for quickies. Such commendations like “honey we are inseparable”, “scintillating darling, we are forever”, “your touch’s electrifying” and so on. Have those phrases gone with the years? The husband asked again with frustration.

Look here, stop being too clever by half. A good husband after good years in marriage supposed to have mastered his wife so much as to know the “kick starters”. Yes, in the past, you were good at it, but now your body language, even without cloth is far from being romantic. Even in the dark, I still see the cold look on your face.

These kinds of hypothetical outbursts around sexual activity do really happen between couples in midlife. It’s embedded in what sex health experts call sexual frustration, which is a state of imbalance between what you want or need sexually and what you are getting or experiencing. This imbalance is pushing many marriages into their edges.

Sex health experts say navigating the imbalance in partner’s sex life is a project that couples must jointly address to safe marriages from implosion.

The need to understand where the sexual frustration stems from is imperative to stemming the problem.

Is it simply a lack of sexual activity? Has it been a long time since you had sex? Or is it about more than the physical? Have you lost the emotional connection with your long-term partner somewhere along the way? Somehow, the male partner erroneously belief that a mind-blowing sex is the real deal, whereas the female partner’s sexual need is emotional connection. Such sexual desire mismatch results into relationship breakdown. Sexual frustration may not be about lack of sex act, it can be deeper desire for sexual intimacy and bond.

Apart from the feeling of agitation, anger, irritation and grumpiness; you must know that you are suffering from sexual frustration if you find yourself behaving differently with your partner, perhaps more critical of them or more irritable.

Before we delve into solutions to sexual frustration, let’s go through some of the causes.

CAUSES

Sex health experts say it’s normal for partner to be sexually frustrated at one time or the other in their marriage. Clinical Sex Counsellor Eric M. Garrison, author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex, says  ”Regardless of gender and sexuality, almost everyone will experience sexual frustration at some point in their life either because they want to have sex when their partner does not, or because they want to be having sex and don’t have someone to do it with.” The causes of sexual frustration range from religion, physical, medical, psychological and social.

Sexual Frustration- Religion

That biblical phrase ‘those whom God has joined together, let no man put asunder’ is ironically under the threat of religion asunder. Today, many families (husband, wife, children) go different ways to seek God from different vineyards with different doctrines. In Christian religion, husband may go to the orthodox church while wife heads for Pentecostal church. Clearly such partners are not in the same faith religiously. While one partner is ‘sexually thirsty’, the other is ‘spiritually thirsty’ (on fasting and prayer most time). The sex frustration becomes heightened when compromise is made to allow sex devoid of the required ‘sexmatazz’.

Sexual Frustration- Physical/Social

Absence of one partner in time of horniness is the commonest cause of sexual frustration. Wife’s ready; everything set in the most appropriate mood- nice shower, nice smelling perf., bomb short, a come and get me transparently loose top, hornily waiting for her partner, who was by the time busy clubbing with friends, discussing football and politics over drinks, and return home long after the horniness has vanished. On the flip side too, the husband who has been looking forward to a fun thrilling weekend suddenly discovers that wife is having engagements that will keep her away from the home for the weekend. Physical absence is the classic cause of sexual frustration.

Sexual Frustration- Psychological/Economical

The differences in partners’ sex drive might be psychological. Job stress and burnout, loss of loved ones, downturn in personal economy, trauma, pressure, depression and other emotional issues on partner’s life can affect his or her libido drive.

Sexual Frustration- Medical

The health status of partners always significantly affects sexual performance or level of interest in sex, invariably leading to sexual frustration. Health challenges that interfere in libido drive, arousal and orgasm include:

-Chronic pain and diseases

-Depression

-Genital discomfort

-Hormone imbalances

-Sexual dysfunction such as no erection; low erection; quick ejaculation; persistent arousal disorder (constant arousal even after orgasm caused by sex enhancers) etc.

-Chronic diabetes

-Side effects of medications – blood pressure medication (beta-blockers), anti- depressants, anti-psychotics, etc

OVERCOMING SEXUAL FRUSTRATION

 Communication

We are all sexually wired by God and there is nothing we can do about it. Sex goes beyond procreation; it adds other values to our health. Sex can lower blood pressure, reduce pain, improve sleep, and improve heart health. Sex Psychotherapist, Ashley Sweet says sex desire and pleasure are our birthrights. According to him sex is in the same category as water and food in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Sex is a vital baseline need.

So, if you are not ashamed to talk about food and quality of food with your partner, why must you feel guilty discussing sex needs and wants with your partner. Regardless of marriage age, communicate transparently with your partner on sexual desires- foreplay, types, styles etc.

Still on communication, Sexologist Jessica Cline says partners won’t always be horny together, so the best way to navigate the sexual frustration that may arise is through communication. According to Cline, one of the biggest solutions to desire differences is communication, “Most couples are able to talk about a lot of stuff but have a hard time talking about sex.”

Communication may reveal barriers to a better sex life that can be addressed. With a transparent approach to communication, partners can empower each other to ask for and discuss other ways to have their needs met, or they can work on acceptance of a sex life adjustment.

If you are in a mismatch relationship, learn what turns your partner on through conversations about desire, seduction, fantasies, erogenous zones, and more. Discuss psychological/ emotional worries of your partner together to release him or her from the worries. Discuss sex impediments together.

Channel Energy to Something else

Sexual frustration is not expected to be long lasting, it supposed to go on its own after sometime. If the frustration is coming from physical absence of your partner, switch your attention on something else. Go for physical exercise, do meditation, read books including religion books, undertake social outing, etc. Just do something that will take your focus away from sex.

Schedule sex Time

Partners with busy work schedule may find time for sex challenging. If the sexual frustration is due to limited time, it’s important for the two to scrutinize schedules and set aside sex time periodically. Partners must ensure nothing interferes with the set time

Medication

Consult physicians if your health status is impacting your sexual life or that of your partner negatively. Take medications to treat health conditions that are affecting your sexual life.

Consult Sex Pro

Everybody will experience sexual frustration at one point or the other in marriage. The good thing is that it’s solvable.

But if you have done everything from talking to your partner transparently and confidently to closing the psychological barriers; If you have done everything from attempting to connect to your partner more emotionally to taking medication to treat sexual issues that are affecting your sexual life, yet the sexual frustration persists, you might need to consult sex therapists to turn sexual frustration into a more satisfying sex life.

Watch Out for the next sex Health post on Citizen Comfort

Source: Dare Agbeluyi, Chief Publisher.

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